I swear I didn't put those peeps on the chair.

This is going to sound completely ridiculous, but it wasn't me. I have proof. I was in a bunnysuit on the lawn with Lisa Ashton.

No. I was. Do you want to know the one thing most likely to cause people to resort to terrorism ...betraying their country...going on a homocidal rampage ......quitting the secret service protective detail? WEARING THOSE DAMN RABBIT SUITS..

You think I'm kidding. I'm not. If there are first kids who are actually in school-who are old enough to participate in the easter egg hunt-one of us-that's right, one of us- is out there as the rabbit. This has created a number of scandals-the biggest of which when Senator Baxter's son picked a fight with Lisa and I hauled his little blue ass off the ground and looked him square in the eye.

The kid is still apparently afraid of rabbits.

I'm sure if you were in the Washington area you must have heard about it. Must have seen it on the news. President ashton goes to sit down and gets an ass full of blue bunny, yellow duck, and pink bunny. We're supposed to protect the guy from bullets, assassination attempts...and wardrobe malfunctions apparently.

But a simple moment like this requires an inquest you see? Barnes was off that day (he always misses the egg hunts) So I get called onto the carpet to explain the President's Wardobe malfunction. I get reprimanded and I get my pay docked. Nobody cared that it was an accident.

But when Lisa confessed to it I didn't feel too bad. Kid never gets to spend any time with her dad and he sort of had to take a break to be with the family because of this. I was glad to take the heat, just to see that poor kid with her dad and her mom looking like normal people instead of America's Alpha Dick and Bitch with their pup number 3.

I still won't eat peeps though. I didn't put them there and I'll never touch them again.

10. Write a list of instructions on how to do or work something

How to get someone who is technically impared.(i mean if you wanna get honestly technical. Like, mental disease is a psychoisis. I think) back on a really important job.

1. SLEEP with the secretary of the big boss for at least three consecutive nights.

2. Harass co-workers into writing letters of recommendation for said partner. Use force if required.

3. Have said secretary slip said, "We really miss our partner and friend, please let him come back to work" letters under boss's door.

4. convince partner that protective mission supercedes catching counterfitters at local restaurants in the DC area.

5. Email him constantly about re-taking his physical exams.

6. Get Director Drunk and arrange for illicit pictures to be used against him (Fakely of course) to get partner back into ring.

7. Reminded President, "Hey, remember that guy who saved your life? Wanna know what he's doing now?"

8. Remind First lady of number seven.

9. Remind Kids of Number Seven.

10. Hand deliver President's "WTF IS THE GUY WHO SAVED MY LIFE DOING CATCHING PETTY COUNTERFITTERS AT CLOWNBURGER?"

Sit back, relax, enjoy! Fruits of labor designed to promote hightened sense of paranoia in agent so evil plan can go off without a hitch

Sometimes I stay up so late that I have my morning coffee before I go to bed

Chronic Jet Lag is a symptom of Secret Service Employment.

Particularly protective employment. You can always Tell when we walk into a room or a coffee bar in some corner of the world or even in our own backyard. It's worse on a plane.

Have you ever been on airforce one? No, while flying kids. Stewards are INCREDIBLY picky about trying to serve us coffee. It creates unhealthy addictions. How the hell are you supposed to stay in top physical form with someone trying to pump liquid "WAKE THE HELL UP JUICE" into your veins?

My partner has sadly fallen victim to the stuff. He takes a cup every time a steward passes by. It's a wonder he doesn't jam up our bathroom. (He's going to kill me for saying this)

Truth be told though, we're juiced enough. Especially if we go into a war zone or something. Adrenaline's it's own caffinated beverage. Think about it-we maintain a state of heightened alertness for eight hour shift periods. Some people (the old timers barnes) I didn't get it, but when you're looking for SOMETHING that could potentially CAUSE HARM to SOMEONE you're buzzed.

I once caught my partner sleeping with a full cup of coffee on his lap.

True story! Man's addicted. Me? I prefer soda. Or-actually, and this is fantastic. You want to know a great jet-lag cure? White Wine. I'm not kidding! We discovered this in Prague. At least two glasses of white wine followed by a vigerous run really helps.

075. TEN things you should talk to a therapist about.

1. How incredibly stressful my job is.
2. My growing feeling of animosity towards said job.
3. Frustration with policies and politicans that also encompasses my job.
4. This sudden obsession with how difficult my job can sometimes be.
5. How I can perform my job better.
6. How I can help other people on my team on the job perform better
7. How we can relax if something happens on the job that could potentially be lifethreatening or change anything.
8. How it sometiems feels like all we do is run around in circles because doing this job is completely pointless.
9. My issues with my mother.
10. My issues with my family.

076. TEN things you shouldn't have done.

( spoilers for VANTAGE POINT )

079. TEN things you know about someone else.

1. Thomas Barnes is a nervous wreck liable to explode at any moment who takes out his frustration being a nervous wreck at anyone on his security detail, his partner, or any helpless aide who happens to get in his way.

2. He's also the best damn secret service agent we have.

3. He's my partner.

4. He took a bullet for President Ashton and saved his life.

5. He died for two minutes doing it.

6. He had a nervous breakdown six months ago and was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

7. I'm probably the only person he trusts explicitly besides President Ashton.

8. He was married but he divorced her (That took some digging to unearth) when he realized that he didn't want to put her through what being married to a federal agency does to a woman.

9. He is a genuinely nice guy and an honest man.

10. One of these days it's going to get him killed.

I'd be out of my league if I recommended books. For that you'd have to talk to my partner, he's the nerd reader. I'll go with movies.

1. Vertigo-Alfred Hitchcock.
- This is Mrs. Ashton's favorite film, and while I initially liked it out of nessescity (you either like something that someone plays OVER AND OVER AGAIN or you shoot yourself in the foot) I really grew to respect it. Double lives kill people man. Can't stress that enough.

2. The Simpsons Movie-Matt Groening
- Seven o'clock means I find a TV and park myself in front of it. If you don't love Homer and Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie, what's wrong with you? Do you live in a cave? The past? Get a tv now! The movie's a great place to start.
Best moment of my life. I forced my partner, Agent Barnes, to watch the episode "Mayored to the Mob". He spent the entire time critiquing Homer's performance as a bodyguard. I've never laughed so hard in my life. If you're tired of the same old reruns, watch them with someone who has never seen the simpsons before. I promise you you'll see everything in a new light.

3. Rashomon.-Akira Kurosawa
- I used to date this flim student who told me every shot was structured like a Japanese painting. If you can wrap your head around it, the whole thing's an interesting idea. Using different vantage points to tell a story...shit if it wasn't kind of repetative I might like to see something else shot that way.

4. Indiana Jones -Raiders of the Lost Ark.
- What else can I say? WHIPS. NAZIS. SNAKES. EGYPT? but it's the snark that gets me. Once again, this happens to be a favorite movie of the first family, so you learn to like it, but Joel does an absolutely fantastic Indiana Jones impression, which-coming from a big black guy makes the whole thing worthwhile.

5. Fargo-The Coen brothers.
- We actually (well, by we I mean President Ashton) got tickets to see the Oscars. We get um' alot, the President never goes. I haven't seen No Country for Old men yet, but Fargo...Damn. I mean-come on, what's not to like about Fargo? ...Seriously. I want to know.

6. Resident Evil Extinction
- ....Millia Jovovitch in short shorts.

...No. I don't have anything else to say about it, why do you ask?

7. Casino Royale
- Oh man, some days I wish I was in Mi6. I mean how freakin' cool would that be? Just watching the movie made me want to go see if they'd take me. I bet that he's got paperwork to fill out for those cars and stuff just like we do though. *shakes head sadly*

8. Moulin Rouge
- ...The number one film garanteed to get a girl in the sack. Step one to getting a date: Say "I work for the Secret Service." Step two? Take her back to your apartment and watch Moulin Rouge.

...Although if you use step one we're kind of oblidged to arrest you. Nothing personal man.

9. Sin City-Robert Rodriguez.
- ....I loved this film, Barnes hated it, and when Susannah saw it she bought it and went through a marathon session of sitting through the whole thing and then looking for the comic books.

First time I've ever been able to say the movies and the books are about even.

10. The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
- This is another one of those "First Family" films that you learn to like, but given the subject material, it's not half bad.

081. TEN most frightening moments of your life.

1. Loosing one of the first kids. I'm sure you all heard about that right? When Susannah Ashton lost her security detail? Yeah, yeah that was me. Go ahead and laugh dammit but Disneyland is a Big place.

2. When the guy at the superbowl pulled out that really realistic water pistol and pretended to squirt the crowd near the first lady and the president with water.

3. Forgetting POTUS'S codename. (Yes, it's happened, I'm only human, quiet.)

4. Getting hit by a car when I was ten. (The guy didn't see me, I turned a corner on my bike and ended up doing a flip over the handlebars to land on the hood and dent the thing)

5. Loosing my laptop in Brussels.

6. Telling my supervisor that I'd lost my laptop in Brussels.

7. Being cornered by a rattlesnake during one of Mrs. Ashton's "Nature Hikes"

8. Telling the rest of the security detail that I was cornered by a rattlesnake during one of Mrs. Ashton's nature hikes.

9. Finding out my dad was involved in an armed robbery and that he was touch and go at the hospital.

10. Being assigned to POTUS detail in the first place.

082. TEN things that make your day better

1. When anyone on our protection detail just sits back and lets us do our jobs without freaking out about being followed by bodyguards.

2. When said individual mentioned above happens to be one of the first kids.

3. Being allowed to sit, or being in a position to sit, even if it's just for ten minutes at a time.

4. Corn Beef and Hash from "O'Donovans" down on Michigan Ave.

5. Doing a protection detail at something fun, like a rock concert, movie, or theme park.

6. Seeing the looks people get on their face when we get to the front of every freakin' line. because honestly the VIP gets an automatic fast pass.

7. Answering questions from kids on the White House Tour.

8. The awe inspiring looks the kids give me and whoever else I'm with.

9. Finding out we're going to someplace I've never been.

10. Getting TV privilages on "The Jet."

"Quemadmodum gladius neminem occidit, occidentis telum est."
"A sword never kills anybody. It's just a tool in the killer's hand..
-Seneca (Seneca the Elder), Letters to Lucilius

If life's a game, who do you think is winning?

( This is how the world ends, not with a bang but with a whimper (spoilers for Vantage Point) )

Fandom Muse: Kent Taylor
Fandom: "Vantage Point" Movie.
Wordcount: 973